Thursday, September 30, 2010

More on unmet expectations

So, in 1997, my younger brother told me he was going to ask his girlfiend to marry him.  For the next 18 months, I swear the wedding and all of the planning that goes along with it was the ONLY thing that was discussed by my family any time we spoke on the phone or were in the same room. God love them, I know they were excited about it, but by the month before the wedding, I had long since had quite enough of it all. I just wanted to talk about ANYTHING that didn't have to do with their "blessed day".

Thinking back, it was about then that I THOUGHT I had hit my emotional low.

A few weeks before the wedding, there was to be a girls' night-in (kind of like a mini-bachelorette party). By then I had grown to know my future sister-in-law, T (names have been removed to protect the innocent) and had actually begun to like her. However, I barely knew the other girls who were going to attend. The evening started off well enough. There was a little alcohol involved, but we were all pretty light on the spirits. A few hours into an evening that I thought was just supposed to be us girls (imagine painting fingernails, watching chick flicks, etc - all out girliness), the guys showed up. The boyfriends (or fiances) of each of the girls decided to crash our little party and mushiness ensued. With a little wine in me, (it IS a depressant, ya know!) I was in no shape to be so violently confronted with my singleness.

As they all cooed and cuddled one another, I slipped out the front door and stumbled over a few tree stumps into the pitch black of the night. We were at the house of one of the girls and she lived out in the country. So with no moon and very little ambient light, I crumbled at the base of a tree in the back yard while the tears flowed and the bugs began to feast on me.

As I sat there, I was overwhelmed with grief and feelings of loss. I wasn’t where I thought I’d be by then. (I was 26, after all – practically a spinster!) Sure, I’d graduated from college, but there was no dating life going on to speak of at the time and the future looked fairly bleak in that respect as well. I’m sure there are many who don’t know (and probably don’t want to know), but I seriously considered suicide.

I clearly didn’t go through with it. But it makes me sad to think a young woman such as myself would feel such deep despair over being alone.

After all, there should be a big difference between being alone and being lonely, right?


Jill said...

I know what you mean. Our society really puts pressure on us to have a mate, doesn't it? I remember being in a high school class, and we were talking about the year 2000. My first reaction was, "I'll be 27 in the year 2000. I hope I'm married by then." Fast forward to 2000, and I was nowhere near being married, which was frustrating and depressing.

Does the story continue?

Heather said...

Jill, I thought the EXACT same thing about the year 2000. Although it wasn't I hope. Somehow it just seemed like of course I would be. After all, only losers aren't right? (That's the 18 year-old me, of course.)

Yes, the story will continue over the next few days.

Hopefully I'll be able to find a happier ending by then. ;-)


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