Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I need a man......to take out the garbage.

With the exception of a brief stint in college and an even briefer stint after college, I have pretty much lived alone for my adult life.  In the beginning it was a little lonely and when I bought my house, kinda scary thinking about all the ways someone could break in and hurt/maim/kill me.  But after a while, for better or worse, I got used to it.  In the last few years I've even grown to enjoy having the house to myself whenever I want (with the exception of the kitties and puppy).

Living alone definitely has its advantages.  For someone with control issues, it can be perfect.  Sure, I'm the one that has to pay all the bills, but I know that the bills get paid every month.  If I insist that the clothes in my closet be color-coded when I put them away, I can do that.  If I want to leave a few dirty dishes in the sink (rinsed out, of course), I can do that.  After all, I probably use less than one cup and plate a day since I rarely cook.  If I want to stay up late, I can do that.  ...and unfortunately I do all too often.  I must admit that I never close the door when I pee and rarely when I shower.  Who's gonna barge in?  I often burp without saying "excuse me",  cough without covering my mouth and fart without shame.  (Don't judge.)  I've been known to eat peanut butter straight out of the jar, milk out of the jug and chips straight out of the bag.  (You know you would if you could too.)  Yes, living alone is the epitome of freedom and the American Dream.

.....Right up until it's time to take out the garbage.  Apparently I have Filth Fatigue, a Bag Bug, a Garbage Goiter....Trash Trouble.  Oh, the symptoms have been cleared up before and all the trash taken to the curb (thanks to a visit from Dad), but, alas, I experience Refuse Relapse.  I gather it up it the house, take it to the cans on the side of the house during the week, but when Monday night rolls around and I know that I have to take those cans and bags to the curb, it's simply too much.  I tell myself it's dark and that I'll do it in the morning.  When the morning comes, do I take the trash down?  Maybe a bag or two that I gathered that night, but that leaves probably 3 or 4 bags by the side of house.  This happens. Every. Week.  (Don't worry, there's not 10 bags of garbage sitting at the side of my house right now.  Ewww)  So I need a man....just to take the garbage to the curb.

There's gotta be a service for that, right?


Joan Young Spotswood said...

Heather, you're a hoot! I married at 40 and had to relearn a few things, being a lifelong bachelorette. My 'list' of traits that was required in a potential husband was "someone that I could see myself sharing my bathroom with".

Juggling Thoughts said...

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Shell said...

Too funny! Trash is my Hubs' only household responsibility, yet I still end up doing it most of the time.

JoeyRes said...

My hubby does do garbage duty. He also lifts heavy things and opens jars that I can't get. But you'll find that some men, such as mine, will "let" you do all of the rest of the housekeeping without complaint and in fact are amused with your farting.

As someone that has never lived alone, I can't imagine having your level of freedom!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I have someone to take out the garbage, but I have to bring in the trash can.

Angelia said...

Well, if that is all you are lacking then that is not too bad! Heck it's all in bags not like laying around right? ;-)
There are so many joys to living alone (you listed the good ones). My neice and her boyfriend now live with me and my daughter. Boy do I miss those days of freedom!
ENJOY! Seriously!

Tina Lane said...

I have also lived alone most of my life, homeowner and all, until a recent marriage in my early thirties.

I am surprised to report that the shameless farting continues into married life as well as many other private habits you thought might be closeted forever. Also surprised to discover that Hubbies are not as reliable in the trash-taking-out duty as you might think.

Stopping by from SITs.

Heather said...


Well that seems like it's a glowing endorsement for singlehood. LOL

Thanks for stopping by.


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