Thursday, October 15, 2009

My own superpower.

If I was a superhero, I would be Fat Girl!

Let me explain. I don't want to be fat. No. I've pretty much had that one mastered for about 30+ years. I only want the ability to be fat whenever it is inconvenient not to be fat.

I've never really had to worry about relying on my looks to get me through life. I think the few boyfriends I've had in my life chose me in spite of my physique. Certainly it wasn't because of it. I'm pleasantly (ha!) rotund. I have an overabundance of womanly curves, but generally not in a good way. But because this has been the case for all of my life, I have adapted. I became smart and witty, a good listener and an excellent storyteller (I think anyway).

I thickened my proverbial skin by continuing to go to school dances as a youth even when no one asked me to dance and the night always ended in tears for me. When I was a teenager and in my 20s, I had crushes, but I learned to not expect any kind of affection in return. I wasn't one of the girls that boys swoon over. Over time, I learned to think of myself devoid of any kind of sexuality.

And that's not all bad. Somehow it allowed me the freedom to interact with men on levels I might not have otherwise. In high school and college, I was able to hang out with all of the smart guys without that pesky sexual tension getting in the way. I now have a great group of guys that I play poker with now. For better or worse, it's amazing the side of men that you get to see when you're just "one of the guys."

Some of those things changed about 6 years ago when, for about 5 minutes, I lost weight. No longer could I blend into the crowd. If I wore a skirt when I walked the 4 blocks to my car from my office, I invariably heard a plethora of catcalls. For a girl who has always been fat, that's unnerving. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't know how to act.

So, unconsciously I put the weight back on. It was my protection from a frighteningly sexual world. But now I'm tired of being wrapped in this protective layer of fat. I want to be thing and pretty....but only sometimes.

That's where the superpower comes in. In my dreams, I would be able to transform into Fat Girl in the blink of an eye. I could get up in the morning, dress my skinny size 6 body in cute clothes, enhance my gorgeous face with make-up, spritz on my favorite scent and be ready to face the world as a knock-out. I would get the attention of that man in the file room who's caught my eye. That man I flirt with as I walk my dog would ask for my number. But when I walked those 4 blocks to work or passed a construction site of men or stopped at a truck stop to get gas, I could magically transform into Fat Girl. Because Fat Girl also has the power to be invisible. Those construction men wouldn't see me. Those truckers wouldn't notice me at the pump. I could walk to work unaccosted.

Until that happens, I guess I'll just keep wishing for a skinny suit.


Weza said...

This post is funny, poignant, understandable and unfortunately so true of many woman. I know what its like to hide my sexuality behind my rolls. Its sad really that the fear of something as beautiful as our sexuality can bind us up in so many ways.
Loving your blog. I think i shall look around some more.

Heather said...

Thank you so much for your comment and reading. It's wonderful and somehow sad at the same time to find others who understand what I write.

Thanks for looking around. :-)


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